What a Week

It has really been one of those weeks!

A week that seems to have tons of struggles, very little happiness and limited smiles. I know in my heart that I am very blessed and that the Lord is in control but the devil seems to have "camped out" on my doorstep. I am very worn out...tired of worrying about things...tired of feeling like I am never going to rise above...just tired!

Things continue to pile up and, at times, I don't feel like I am ever going to get my head above water. Today, I was looking through some old pictures and stumbled upon one of my granny and granddaddy. Finding this picture was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. That is what my granny represented for me...she made everything okay.

If only granny were still here to make everything okay!! The Lord also has a way a making everything okay...I don't think it was an accident that I stumbled upon this picture.

A Mom's Blessings

I am blessed with the two most precious children in the world! Many years ago, when I was dreaming of being a mom, I could have never imagined that the Lord would allow me to be the mom of these two angels.

I am sure that every mother feels this way but there is just something about my two that seems extra special.

Olivia Grace is my drama queen that is sometimes misunderstood. She is my long awaited little miracle. She is my singing, dancing princess that loves to play dress up, have tea parties and teach school to her babies. She is a girly girl that likes making mud pies, enjoys playing baseball and wants so badly for her best buddy, Peyton, to teach her how to shoot his gun. She is caring, understanding of others, helpful, always asking questions, loves to learn, sometimes argumentative but usually with a good point, independent, nurturing, artistic, honest, strong willed (or you might say stubborn) but at times timid. She is the best daughter I could have asked for and I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to be her mom.

Carter is my granny's prayer for me. He is who my granny said would complete my family. "All you need now is a little boy", she would say. He melts my heart with his shy, held back grin that can light up the darkest day. He is my silly, easily embarrassed, bouncing little boy. He is just like his momma. He is a wild little monkey around anyone he knows but as shy as he can be around others. He is handsome with his brown hair and brown eyes. He is loving, rambunctious at home, sensitive, timid, quiet, shy, passive but mischievous at times. He is definitely a momma's boy. He has been the one I worry the most about. He had colic, acid reflux and is now a bit delayed socially and with his speech. All his grunting and signing has become endearing. He knows how to sign please, thank you, more and all done. Within the last week, he has learned how to say mah-mah (momma), daa-daa (daddy), balllllll (ball) and bahk-bahk (what the chicken says). He will soon be getting speech and I am confident that the Lord is taking care of him. I am so thankful to have been chosen to be his mom.

Memories

As we were getting ready for bed tonight, Olivia Grace asked if I could read them a book. The deal was that I got to pick the book so I decided on a book of nursery rhymes from a Childcraft set that my granny had when I was little. I remember sitting on the couch loving the simple illustrations as Granny read the nursery rhymes. Years later, I would read them to her because I was a "good reader", she would say. Becky recently brought the book to me and I teared up as soon as I saw it because I have such good memories of sitting and reading those rhymes with Granny.

OG, Carter and I were laying in the bed reading all the familiar nursery rhymes and I was sharing stories of times when Granny and I would read the book. We lost Carter's attention much earlier so he was jumping on the bed and occasionally coming to look at the pictures. I was telling OG how Granny would be my "student" as I pretended to teach her the nursery rhyme. Olivia Grace says, "I wish I could have known her before she was sick." This is something that I have thought about many times over. I really wish that my children could have experienced the Granny that I knew. She is such a special person! The fact that OG wishes she knew her like I did makes me miss her even more.

Words to Live By

For the past few months, I have been praying for a change - emotionally and spiritually. The Lord is working in my life and I am so thankful. I have faith that He is healing my broken heart and giving me purpose for my life. The praise and worship team at our church is known for its contemporary, freedom-filled services which I enjoy so much. They have recently started singing a new song that I absolutely love and have added to my playlist for you to hear. It is surprising how closely the chorus and the bridge of the song fit my life. Even when I didn't realize it, God was for me - on the mountain, in the battle, through the failures and in the victories. He IS for me! Like the bridge of the song says, if our God is for us, who can be against us? Great words to live by!!!

You Are For Me
VERSE 1:
You are my faithful Father
Who holds everything together
Why should I fear when You are always on my side?
I am known as the apple of Your eye
The treasure You gave Your life for
Ohh…nothing can separate me from Your perfect love

CHANNEL:
You prepare a table for me, in the presence of my enemies
All the time, Your thoughts are on me, and You hold me when I’m weak

CHORUS:
You are for me, on the mountain
You are for me, in the battle
Through the failures, in the victories
You are for me, hallelujah
In the morning, in the evening
When I’m dancing, when I’m weeping
Through the storms, I won’t be shaken
You are for me, hallelujah

VERSE 2:
You are my strong Defender
Who shelters my life from danger
Why should I fear when You are always on my side?
I’m anointed with oil and in this life
I’m followed by mercy and goodness
Ohh…nothing can separate me from Your perfect love

BRIDGE:
If my God is for me, who can be against me?
Ohhh

Revelation or Situation

"It is for discipline that you endure, God deals with you as with sons, for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." Hebrews 12: 7 and 11

We are having revival at our church and I know this may sound selfish or echo-centric but I think this revival is for me. Every message has felt like it has been written just for me...just for my situation...just for my life. The preacher's message tonight was about turning a revelation from the Lord into a bad situation in our lives because we don't want to do what the Lord has told us to do. When he read the scripture from Hebrews, I knew that I was being reprimanded for continuing to hold on to hurt from my past instead of giving it to Him. I have been holding on to that hurt and those worthless feelings because I felt like that is what defines me as a person. But tonight I realized that He defines me...I am who I am because of what the Lord has done for me. I think many of us are guilty of turning a revelation from the Lord into a bad situation because we aren't open to what the Lord has for us. We pray for change and we pray for guidance but when He provides those, we are comfortable just ignoring His plan because we think we have it all under control. I want to grasp the Lord's revelation for me...I want to be changed, renewed and restored. I want to be who He wants me to be not who I think I should be. I am choosing to let go and let the Lord lead. Can you do the same?

Turning a Corner

My, my, my...it has been so long since I last blogged that I am having a hard time getting started. I titled my post "Turning a Corner" because I am determined that today is the day for me to turn a corner. It is hard to describe all that has happened and how my life has changed in the last year and a half. I have been praying for a change and I am believing that the Lord has something in store.

Let me start by describing what the Lord has brought us through. After Carter's birth, things were difficult to say the least. He had, what I think, was a severe case of colic. I think many parents tend to call extreme fussiness colic. If you have ever had a baby with the real, diagnosed colic, you know there is a definite difference. We tried gas drops, all natural colic drops, gripe water, numerous bottles, every formula made, heating pads, swaddling, bouncing, swinging, tummy time, the sound of music, the sound of white noise, the sound of the vacuum, riding in the car and anything else you can find on the internet that says it will cure colic. If it weren't for all that happened after this, I would say that this was the worst few months of my life. I loved Carter but I was at my wits end. When he was around four months old, I went back to the pediatrician for the 6th time. The doctor and the nurses knew when I walked in that I could not take much more. The nurses took Carter and I sat in the room crying to my pediatrician about how terrible of a mother I was. After running some tests that week, the doctor decided to prescribed Carter two medicines that made all the difference in the world. By the end of November, Carter was a new baby and we were all relieved. I thought that my outlook would change but it didn't. The next month, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression which became the "new" worst thing that I have ever been through. I got some medicine, it was my favorite holiday season and I was now in the swing of working again and juggling my growing family. I thought that things were turning around. However, in March my mother passed away. I have posted about this before so I won't go into too much detail. As most of you know, my mom didn't raise me - my grandmother did. She had been in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. She would be around for a few years and then I wouldn't see her for months. My mom had a lot of problems that, at times, she really tried to overcome. Once my children were born, I chose not to expose them to the life that she lived. So for five years, she and I did not have a relationship at all. She died of a disease called Scleroderma which is the hardening of the skin and organs. I find it quite ironic that she suffered from a disease that hardens the heart since she lived her life with quite a cold and hardened heart. After my mom passed away, I carried a lot of guilt. I felt like I should have been there as a witness for the Lord, to help my younger brother take care of her, to restore a relationship, to introduce my children and on and on. This had now become the "new" worst thing I had ever been through. Soon after this, my grandmother, who raised me and who I considered my mom, entered the late stages of Alzheimer's. As if I didn't think I was already screwed up, my doctor insisted that I start seeing a psychologist. I was reluctant but figured anything could help. I was working through the guilt of not being around for my birth mother when she was sick when my granny started to lose her battle with Alzheimer's. She was in and out of the Hospice House in April. For those that don't know my granny or realize how much she means to me, let me tell you a little about her. She was, in my mind at least, the closest person I knew to the Lord. She loved God and loved church. She taught me right from wrong and what it meant to have Jesus in your heart. She was there on my first day of kindergarten, she put perms in my hair when that was cool, made me dresses for church when I was little, she went to my high school orientation with me, she cooked me tomatoes and rice almost everyday after school, she took me to get my driver's license, she went with me to find prom dresses, she scratched my back when I got in the bed with her, she ran my bath water on Sunday mornings before church, she prayed with me before I opened my acceptance letter to Clemson, she was there for my high school graduation, she went to my college orientation, she helped decorate my dorm room, she was the first person I called when Craig proposed, she was there for my college graduation, she helped me find my wedding dress, she sewed my ring bearer's pillow, she prayed for years when I couldn't get pregnant, she cried when I called her and told her that I finally was, she reminded me every time she saw my children just how blessed I was, she told me daily how much she loved me, she meant the world to me! She passed away around midnight on May 11th - about an hour after Mother's Day. Nothing seemed as "bad" anymore...this WAS the worst thing that I had ever been through. Just two weeks ago, I decided that it was time to stop crying, time to stop being angry and time to get myself together. Well, what do you know, Craig was laid off from his job, that he has had for 11 years, last week. As soon as I thought things were turning around something else happens. I know that the Lord has a plan for my life. I have a peace about things that I haven't had in a very long time. Things have been very difficult but I am determined to "turn the corner". I want to be a witness and a testimony for God's work and unconditional love. Things are changing, I am changing and we are going to be okay. He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty...You are my refuge and my fortress...You are my God in whom I trust! Everything is going to be okay!

Carter's First "Official" Haircut

With all that has been going on the past few weeks, it was nice to celebrate another of Carter's first on Tuesday. As most of you know, he was born with more hair than some babies have when they are a year old. I knew he would need a haircut long before OG had her first but didn't expect it to be the week he turned 8 months old.

I have to admit...I did cut the back of his hair when he was four months old because it was soooo long that I couldn't take it anymore. That wasn't an "official" haircut so it didn't count.

His grandparents and great-grandparents have been begging us to get his hair cut for at least 2 months. I was just so afraid that he wouldn't look like my little baby anymore. I really want him to stay a baby as long as possible! It is kinda sad to think that he may be my last baby and he already has to have a haircut.

I noticed this past week that his bangs were hanging in his eyes so I decided I finally had to do it. I had to cut my baby's hair even if it meant that he wouldn't be my tiny baby anymore. We went Tuesday. I held him and Becky took the pictures. He was so good! I was actually surprised at how still he was sitting.

In the end, I was actually very pleased with his new haircut. She just rounded it around his face, got the bangs out of his eyes, and shortened it over his ears and in the back. He actually still looks like my little baby. I learned with Olivia Grace that they grow up way too fast so there is no need in pushing them. I want to enjoy every minutes with my babies because, before long, they won't be "my babies" anymore!