Turning a Corner

My, my, my...it has been so long since I last blogged that I am having a hard time getting started. I titled my post "Turning a Corner" because I am determined that today is the day for me to turn a corner. It is hard to describe all that has happened and how my life has changed in the last year and a half. I have been praying for a change and I am believing that the Lord has something in store.

Let me start by describing what the Lord has brought us through. After Carter's birth, things were difficult to say the least. He had, what I think, was a severe case of colic. I think many parents tend to call extreme fussiness colic. If you have ever had a baby with the real, diagnosed colic, you know there is a definite difference. We tried gas drops, all natural colic drops, gripe water, numerous bottles, every formula made, heating pads, swaddling, bouncing, swinging, tummy time, the sound of music, the sound of white noise, the sound of the vacuum, riding in the car and anything else you can find on the internet that says it will cure colic. If it weren't for all that happened after this, I would say that this was the worst few months of my life. I loved Carter but I was at my wits end. When he was around four months old, I went back to the pediatrician for the 6th time. The doctor and the nurses knew when I walked in that I could not take much more. The nurses took Carter and I sat in the room crying to my pediatrician about how terrible of a mother I was. After running some tests that week, the doctor decided to prescribed Carter two medicines that made all the difference in the world. By the end of November, Carter was a new baby and we were all relieved. I thought that my outlook would change but it didn't. The next month, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression which became the "new" worst thing that I have ever been through. I got some medicine, it was my favorite holiday season and I was now in the swing of working again and juggling my growing family. I thought that things were turning around. However, in March my mother passed away. I have posted about this before so I won't go into too much detail. As most of you know, my mom didn't raise me - my grandmother did. She had been in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. She would be around for a few years and then I wouldn't see her for months. My mom had a lot of problems that, at times, she really tried to overcome. Once my children were born, I chose not to expose them to the life that she lived. So for five years, she and I did not have a relationship at all. She died of a disease called Scleroderma which is the hardening of the skin and organs. I find it quite ironic that she suffered from a disease that hardens the heart since she lived her life with quite a cold and hardened heart. After my mom passed away, I carried a lot of guilt. I felt like I should have been there as a witness for the Lord, to help my younger brother take care of her, to restore a relationship, to introduce my children and on and on. This had now become the "new" worst thing I had ever been through. Soon after this, my grandmother, who raised me and who I considered my mom, entered the late stages of Alzheimer's. As if I didn't think I was already screwed up, my doctor insisted that I start seeing a psychologist. I was reluctant but figured anything could help. I was working through the guilt of not being around for my birth mother when she was sick when my granny started to lose her battle with Alzheimer's. She was in and out of the Hospice House in April. For those that don't know my granny or realize how much she means to me, let me tell you a little about her. She was, in my mind at least, the closest person I knew to the Lord. She loved God and loved church. She taught me right from wrong and what it meant to have Jesus in your heart. She was there on my first day of kindergarten, she put perms in my hair when that was cool, made me dresses for church when I was little, she went to my high school orientation with me, she cooked me tomatoes and rice almost everyday after school, she took me to get my driver's license, she went with me to find prom dresses, she scratched my back when I got in the bed with her, she ran my bath water on Sunday mornings before church, she prayed with me before I opened my acceptance letter to Clemson, she was there for my high school graduation, she went to my college orientation, she helped decorate my dorm room, she was the first person I called when Craig proposed, she was there for my college graduation, she helped me find my wedding dress, she sewed my ring bearer's pillow, she prayed for years when I couldn't get pregnant, she cried when I called her and told her that I finally was, she reminded me every time she saw my children just how blessed I was, she told me daily how much she loved me, she meant the world to me! She passed away around midnight on May 11th - about an hour after Mother's Day. Nothing seemed as "bad" anymore...this WAS the worst thing that I had ever been through. Just two weeks ago, I decided that it was time to stop crying, time to stop being angry and time to get myself together. Well, what do you know, Craig was laid off from his job, that he has had for 11 years, last week. As soon as I thought things were turning around something else happens. I know that the Lord has a plan for my life. I have a peace about things that I haven't had in a very long time. Things have been very difficult but I am determined to "turn the corner". I want to be a witness and a testimony for God's work and unconditional love. Things are changing, I am changing and we are going to be okay. He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty...You are my refuge and my fortress...You are my God in whom I trust! Everything is going to be okay!